the joke post

[chunky]

I thought it would be cool to have a thread to post a bunch of jokes on so here it is. We can all post some funnies here and laugh the night away.

Since I am the master of gross jokes, here are a few of my favorite disturbing jokes, if you get grossed out easly, do not finish reading this post.

Q) What do you call a 300lb woman with a yeast infection?

A) a whopper with cheese.


Q) What do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common?

A) Little boys underwear half off.


Q) What is the grossest thing in the entire world?

A) A hickey with a popped pimple in the middle.


Q) What is the second grossest thing the world?

A) A cheerleader that does the splits and sticks to the floor.

[NonZ3roPossibility]

-hahahahha, nice, the second to last one.... ewww


After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[chunky]

OMG!!! i'm gunna vomit

[SMG]

Got this off another forum.

What is the same between a slinky and you pregnant girl friend?

They both need a push down the stairs.

[lite]

Stolen from QGL.


#1

Returning home from work, a blonde is shocked to find her house burglarized.

She telephones the police, and a nearby K-9 unit is the first to respond.

As the officer and dog approach the house, the woman storms out onto the porch and shouts, "I get robbed, I call the police for help, and they send me a blind cop?"

#2

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "You’ve got mail!"

#3

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."

#4

A man was listening to the radio when he heard that there was a car heading the wrong way down Interstate 7; he knew his wife was driving on it at the time. He frantically called her on his cell phone and yelled hysterically, "Honey, watch out! There is a car going the wrong way on Interstate 7!"

His wife replied, "There isn’t just one car! There are hundreds of them!"

#5

A blonde, her husband, and two children are all sitting in their living room watching television.

The blonde turns to her husband and says, "Honey, why don’t we send the kids out back to P-L-A-Y, so we can fuck!"

#6

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

"It’s getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don’t we go upstairs to bed."

"We might as well," slurs the husband. "I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."

#7

Two blondes walk up to a counter and decide to check out some of the free samples of perfume.

The first one looks at the second one and asks, "What's this perfume called? It smells familiar."

The second one replies, "It says here it's called Viens a Moi, whatever that means."

A kindly sales lady overhears the two blondes talking, smiles, and tell them "Viens a Moi is French. It mean 'Come to Me.'"

The first blonde takes another big whiff and exclaims, "No, this doesn't smell like come to me. Bridgette, does this smell like come to you?"

#8

A little boy came down to breakfast..

Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores..

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[Timmah!]

A priest and a nun were taking a well-deserved leave from church to play some golf. On the first hole, the priest missed the ball and said "Shit, I missed". The nun said "Father, please watch your mouth, you're a priest." Again, on the third hole, the priest missed the ball on the tee and said "Shit, I missed." The nun said "Father, I refuse to play golf if you use that language." On the fifth hole, the priest said it again, and a bolt of lightning came down and killed the nun. Afterwards, a loud, booming voice from above said "Shit, I missed."

[petar7408]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! See?"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,
Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only go to D, but I went all the way to G. A, B, C, D, E, F, G! See?"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,
Mommy," she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we
showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 24."

[petar7408]

Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[petar7408]

A guy drives past a church and sees two young boys with their dicks in the snow. The guy stop and says, "what the hell are you two boys doing?" The boys reply, "The preist likes to have a couple of cold ones after work."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to louisiana ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

[Unknown]

:yllol::lool::lolup:.
~~~~~~~~

[LokisGTI]

how many dead babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you throw them

[Mecal]

haha, those are great.

here is a car one :)

There is a blonde with an VW Bug on the side of the road, with her hood open, standing over it. Another car pulls in back of her- a blonde with a VW Bug.
The blonde that just pulled over says "whats wrong"
the other one replies "my car just stopped, so I went to check the engine and found that its gone!"
the 2nd blonde replies "oh, thats ok, i have a spare in the back."

[sleestack]

So this city slicker gets really tired of city life and decides to move out to the mountains alone inhis cabin. well after a few months a big burly man comes to his door and he answers it. the burly mountain man introduces himself as his neihbor and says "hey i am having this party on saturday would you like to come?" the city slicker excited since he hasnt had a visitor or any real fun since he moved to the mountains says "yes of course ill go". the burly man then says "well just to warn you theres going to be alot of drinking" the city slicker says "ok thats fine i havent had a few brewskis in awhile sounds good" then the burly man also says "oh yeah there will be some fighting also" the city slicker replys "yeah i can hold my own in a fight sure" then the burly man says "oh yeah theres going to be alot of sex too" the city slicker expecially excited about this warning since he hasnt had any in a real long time says " oh great thatsounds awesome im going" the burly man then says his goodbye and walks out the door but right before the burly mountain man leaves the city slicker asks "hey want me to bring anything food? music? etc,etc?" the burly man replies " sure bring whatever you want its just going to be you and i."

[sleestack]

A lepor walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink the bartendor looks at him and says "oh my god I'm going to puke!" the lepor not surprised by this says "yeah leporacy really grosses people out." the bartendor replies "no thats not it whats gross is the guy dipping his chips into your neck."

[sleestack]

You know whats cool about dating twenty eight year olds?

theres twenty of them.

[Pussy Galore]

WHAT DOES THE EGG SAY TO THE BOILING WATER??????







ANSWER: SORRY, ITS GONNA BE AWHILE FOR ME TO GET HARD, BECAUSE I JUST GOT LAID TONIGHT

[FitusMilbarge]

#8

A little boy came down to breakfast..

Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores..

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
lol:lol:

[FitusMilbarge]

what do you call it when a blonde dies her hair a different color?

artificial inteligence

[skas412]

:lol: thay are all good

[Tonk]

My Neon




:rofl: :lol: :lol2:

[FitusMilbarge]

:lool:

[slimBoost]

ahahahah this thread is great!!! 5 stars!!

[ckyskater733]

can we tell black jokes or no? i hvea some pretty bad ones lol. lemme know before i post...

whats the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
you take your boots off when you jump on a trampline

[llegos]

My Neon




:rofl: :lol: :lol2:


Thats the funniest one so far. Yea, I have a couple jewish jokes, black jokes, and mexican jokes, but dont know if i can say em.

Also, I dont fully understand the cat one. I think i got it, but I am not sure.

[NOLUQ]

LMAO I've never seen this thread before, Great bump!

[mustangfan2003]

ok this gay guys boyfriend died and he got his boyfriend cremated and said he would put the ashes in come chili. people asked why he was doing that and said so he can tare his ass up one more time.

[FitusMilbarge]

ok this gay guys boyfriend died and he got his boyfriend cremated and said he would put the ashes in come chili. people asked why he was doing that and said so he can tare his ass up one more time.
:lool:

[llegos]

haha

[Mecal]

WHAT DOES THE EGG SAY TO THE BOILING WATER??????

ANSWER: SORRY, ITS GONNA BE AWHILE FOR ME TO GET HARD, BECAUSE I JUST GOT LAID TONIGHT


:lol: that's good

[Me007gold]

whats the difference between a pile of bowling balls, and a pile of dead babies?


you cant move the bowling balls with a pitch fork

[Me007gold]

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume

What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.

What's the worst thing about fucking a dead baby?
Wiping the blood stains off of your clown suit

[Mecal]

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume



as much as i hate dead baby jokes, that one isnt too bad.

[Hawk037]

wow, i laughed non stop for 20 min, we need more!...i dont know any though, sorry

[Jay]

Three gay guys are in a hot tub....sperm floats to top in the middle of the hot tub.....one of them asks "Okay, who farted?"

[Unknown]

LMAO I've never seen this thread before, Great bump!

:beerchug:

[SixtySix]

How can you tell if an Italian wonam isn't wearing any pannies?
>Look for the dandraft on her shoes.